“If you're an empath, it feels natural to over-give. But as you get older you learn that your energy is valuable and protecting it becomes a priority.” ~ Coby Watts
Do you burn the candle at both ends?
This is what being caught in a cycle of over-giving is like -burning the candle at both ends. It's an unsustainable way of sharing your light that leads to burnout.
When we think of those caught in a cycle of over-giving, what often comes to mind are those in service-oriented professions such as teaching, nursing, and, yes, therapy. These fields are populated with highly empathic individuals (still female-dominated, too), driven by a deep desire to make a difference - and, more deeply, perhaps to be needed and feel worthy and healed.
Therapists are especially vulnerable to burnout because the very traits that make us effective as therapists create vulnerability to over-giving.
The following are three key traits in therapists that contribute to over-giving:
- Being Highly Empathic & Emotionally Invested: Empathy is essential for being an effective therapist. However, deeply absorbing clients’ emotions and investing in these emotions as if they are our own can lead to (emotional depletion) exhaustion, compassion, and listening fatigue. It can also cause identity confusion which can cause difficulty detaching from the work - the client's work that is their own to do, and simply work in general. Being highly empathic opens us up energetically to absorb through empathic attunement what is not ours as if it is. We then unconsciously feel it in our personal energy bodies as "mine" which can cause confusion. It is a gift to be so able to attune, yet it's also a curse when it goes against our own health and well-being. Awareness is key.
- Having a Strong Sense of Responsibility: When we as therapists deeply empath and attune to the degree that it feels like it's "mine", it can feel confusing who's responsible for the actions associated with whatever is present for the client's path and growth. Many therapists feel a deep obligation to help clients improve, sometimes taking on too much responsibility for their progress, which can lead to stress and frustration - for both client and therapist. For clients, it can land like an agenda getting laid on them, never a good feeling. And, it can create dependency. It can undermine clients' growth, as to grow, we all need to be responsible for our own journeys. It's important as therapists that we check ourselves - is your self-worth tangled up in your clients' outcomes? Of course, we want our clients to improve - but this should be distinct from our worth. Is your self-esteem linked to your identity as an empath? How are you balancing responsibility for feelings that occur as a result? Essential to keep in mind that feelings are interpretations and not facts.
- Being Highly Nurturing & Having Difficulty with Boundaries: This can just be hard. Period. Especially when we're dealing with lives that are deeply impacted by complexity and circumstances that most do not have the honor to hear about. As therapists, we are trained to listen and hold space, and this exposes us to material potent with trauma and its associated pain that must be processed. Holding the work with clients can sometimes cause "regular life" to feel overwhelming, isolating, and lonely. This can lead to poor work-life boundaries, such as seeing too many clients, overextending session times, or taking work home emotionally, BUT not being able to talk about it because of confidentiality laws that are critical for integrity, safety, and trust in the therapeutic relationship. This can lead to disconnection and forms of numbing out for the therapist that unless managed with healthy coping, can lead to burnout.
Over-giving - pouring too much of yourself into another's cup - depletes your energy, erodes your sense of self, and can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, causing greater vulnerability to experiencing disruption of core self capacities such as trust, connection, and love and exacerbates our vulnerability to negative experiences such as imposter syndrome and vicarious traumatization.
Over-giving is serious, folks. And, so is burnout. Balancing these above traits with exceptional Self-care, supervision, and healthy boundaries is crucial for long-term sustainability in the field. Does any of this resonate with you? It does with me… and has been such an important part of my journey to learn to manage these traits with my compass pointing towards Self Love. It may go without saying, but when I talk about Self-care, I am not talking about shopping, getting a mani/pedi, or that type of thing. I am talking about deeply holding space for your integral being to be nourished and cared for - rest, relief, and resiliencing (my word) that comes from sanctuary, soul level Self care. This kind of care allows for (r)evolutionary growth and is actually for a form of resistance to the dominant paradigm and conditioning.
The turning point came for me in 2007 when I suddenly became acutely ill with an autoimmune flare-up with an underlying condition I did not know I had. I was working on a locked-in patient psychiatric unit, over-extended chronically and extensively, while basically absorbing toxic energies that I didn't know how to manage.
Giving from a place of depletion isn’t sustainable. It’s like trying to pour water from an empty cup. I had to learn that taking time and energy to focus on myself wasn’t selfish; it was essential. I call this the difference between small "s" selfish, and big "S" Selfish which is Self-care aligned with the higher Self, soul Self, and our deepest calling level intuitive Self. Centering in this Self, Integral Self isn’t about ignoring others’ needs, but about making sure you’re in a strong and resilient enough place to meet them.
My illness was a major turning point for me, the proverbial wake-up call. It's what prompted me to go into private practice where I could create my practice on my terms. This made a huge difference, as I was allowed to be as creative clinically as I chose to be - and this creativity has been healing and empowering - which is what I stand for.
Stop the Burn with the Basics of Being:
To stop over-giving, I’ve found it key to break it down to the basics - what I call “basics of being”: breath, body, balance, and boundaries. This has emerged through three decades of work with clients - it boils down to these:
- Prioritize Breathing: Use your breath to become present in a pause - a sacred pause. Then, tune into what you notice and the information that comes with and from that noticing. This will both allow you to access the ventral vagal flow state of presence and then open you up to the possibility and power of being at choice.
- Prioritize emBodiment: Our vessel, the vehicle for the soul in our lifetime. Pay attention to how embodied you actually are - how grounded and centered do you feel? Do you feel off? Heavy? Stuck? Energy from empathing may be in your body and you may be struggling to stay in your body because of intensity. Notice where you’re out of alignment and find out what’s driving it. Notice what's off or activated and what needs to clear or settle. Our body holds our histories and stories and deserves to be honored. It's literally with us for the long haul.
- Prioritize Balance: Where do polarities exist in your life? In both your inner life and outer. Where there are extremes or polarities indicates shadow parts that are exiled and underlying integrating work that could be beneficial. Where there is a lack of workability - there is an imbalance somewhere in the system. Assess how well you are balancing your self-care, work, and relationships. Where is centering called for? Where is integrity called for?
- Prioritize Boundaries: Stay attuned to your needs and honor them by maintaining clear, respectful limits. Boundaries are both within and without. You may need to hold boundaries with the part of yourself that chooses actions that are undermining your overall health and well-being. You may need to set boundaries with others who have parts that are undermining, hurtful, and/or harmful. Boundaries are essential for maintaining balance in your personal and professional life. Learn to define your limits, to honor your own needs, and to say no - unless it's a hell-yes. Then, say yes! Boundaries aren’t barriers; they are bridges to healthier relationships.
The Power of Self-Love:
Firstly, over-giving is not a form of love. It's a form of dependency. Secondly, burnout may feel like an occupational hazard of being a therapist, but it doesn't have to be. Stop over-giving. For real. And notice the powerful shifts.
How? Love yourself enough to stop putting everyone else over your needs.
The hidden gem in letting go of over-giving is Self-love - when we stop over-giving ourselves away, we keep more of ourselves for ourselves and our lives. This call for self-love is what I call a YOU turn... turn from abandoning yourself by focusing on everyone else, and turn towards YOUrself as a priority. Creating an intentional commitment to what I call a VIP life - a values-based, intention-aligned, purpose-driven self-loving life serves as a formula to re-align. Burn candles for beauty, light, spiritual practice, and the like - but just not at both ends at the same time.
Some additional suggestions to manage the burn:
- Seek Support. Whether it’s with faith, prayer, therapy, coaching, or with a trusted friend, find someone in your private time who can hold space for you and help you prioritize yourself. True support can remind you that you are powerful, committed to living on purpose, and stand firm in a commitment to create value out of any hardship. Share your pain and overwhelm by unburdening through prayer and trusted connections.
- Recognize and Live from Your Core Worth. When you believe in your own inherent value, you can reflect that in a positive way to others and more powerfully hold authentic space in general. And, as Brene Brown would say, instead of hustling for your worthiness through pleasing, perfecting, proving, or performing, you can simply be you, centered in the beauty and power of that.
- Live (Learn and Teach!) Compassion and Forgiveness for Self and Others. A favorite quote of mine is, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it." Maya Angelou. Enough Said.
